Posted by: Kate | July 28, 2015

What Have You Been Up To Today?

I hate that question – not the attempt at human connection behind it, but the actual question, and I’ll tell you for why…

Externally: today I got up at 6.50 a.m., made my daughter’s lunch and packed her bag, made and drank coffee, made my daughter’s breakfast, took her to daycare, got a ride with my husband to the mall, sat and stared into space for an hour, walked to a new shop and browsed around, went to see the doctor, drank another coffee while reading a chapter of Julian Jaynes’ The Origin of Consciousness (which -in general- was about the nature of the voices that schizophrenics hear and why they seem to have such authority), walked back to the mall, bought a few groceries, had lunch with my husband, got driven back home and have been sitting listening to music on my laptop for the last hour.

But internally I’ve been on the most incredible journey, my head full of thoughts and insights, my feelings ranging from blankness to contentment to absolute power to slight anxiety to pure joy to detachment to overwhelming love and compassion. None of which I can verbalise properly to even the most intimate of my friends without going into a deep vortex of contextual explanations which would take years for somebody to begin to understand if they had the notion to try.

So… what have I been up to today?

Um, nothing much. But everything.

Posted by: Kate | June 25, 2015

Do We See Reality As It Is?

Nope. We see it in the way that best helps us survive and continue evolving.

Posted by: Kate | June 17, 2015

On Being Seen and Heard

You know what? People don’t have to struggle and suffer to grow. Physical growing pains aren’t necessary or common, so why should mental and emotional growth be any different? Growth is just what is already inside, pushing outwards. If there were no obstacles to stop this growth, each person would grow to their full potential, but if impeded, they just grow the best they can in the circumstances. Sure, adverse circumstances can often help to show a person who and what they are, and give them the motivation needed to be the person that those circumstances are, at the time, restraining them from being, but to say that one cannot grow without a struggle — that growth MUST come from some sort of painful experience — is nonsense.

Lately I’ve been wondering why I go around asking and answering questions of myself, about my day, why I do what I do, etc. I always seem to be narrating my experience to an imagined other, as if just silently witnessing it for my own enjoyment isn’t enough of a record of my life. I wonder why I feel the need to do that, and why I feel the need to write a journal to record what I’ve been thinking and feeling. Maybe it’s because I feel a lack of attention, or feel uncomfortable asking for it from others, so I ask the questions which I wish others would ask, therefore giving myself the chance to express my individual experience of the world, to feel like it matters that I’m experiencing it, to allow myself to grow into who I am without the need for outside encouragement.

I think that the only reason anyone expresses themselves (when not directly engaged in an activity together and needing to communicate plans and actions) is to gain attention, to obtain validation of themselves and their world view. But what does this validation and attention ultimately garner anyone in real terms? Nothing. It begets you nothing. If someone pays you attention it is because you’ve put yourself in their line of sight then offered them something that is worth THEIR while to pay attention to. Whether someone appreciates you or not has very little to do with who YOU are, and everything to do with who THEY are. If you benefit them, they pay attention. If you don’t benefit them, they don’t pay attention (or if they do it is out of a sense of duty, or through gritted teeth…I don’t wish to burden people with that, because I really hate it when others do so to me).

Today I was thinking about all the trees that don’t get looked at because there is nothing special about them to really differentiate them from all the other trees around them. There’s nothing wrong with those trees. They’re perfectly nice trees and if they were the only example of their kind for miles around, they’d be noticed. Only things that are different get special attention. But then they don’t achieve anything by getting more attention, other than having more eyes looking at them. If anything, they may suffer from having the extra attention. When people notice something, they tend to covet it, competing with others for the right to use it or own it, or else wish to destroy it…

So, really, what does it matter how many eyes are upon you? What does it matter how many people listen to what you have to say? Or see things the way you do? The more admirers a person gains, the more detractors, whether or not they deserve admiring or criticising. It is probably better to be anonymous and invisible. You are totally free to be yourself then, not pushing yourself into roles that you then feel a failure for not fulfilling, or feel frustrated and hemmed in by.

I wish that I could just relate to everyone I come across spontaneously and naturally and as I really am, and let their judgement of me — good, bad or indifferent — go completely over my head. Theoretically I know that nobody is any better or worse than I am, so I don’t need to manage my image to be acceptable or admirable to anyone other than myself.

But nobody likes to feel alone in the world.

So now I’m going to post this to my blog, and in expressing it to the outside world I am by my own admission hoping to gain some sort of attention or validation of the kind that I have just spent most of the post trying to convince myself that I don’t need and would be far better off without.

Sigh, humans: we’re all nuts.

Posted by: Kate | June 13, 2015

The secret to life, the universe and everything?


The Great Wheel by CircleArt

Posted by: Kate | June 12, 2015


Great short film, that inspired an intriguing five episode web series. Give it a look!

“O, what a world of unseen visions and heard silences, this insubstantial country of the mind! A secret theater of speechless monologue and prevenient counsel, an invisible mansion of all moods, musings, and mysteries, an infinite resort of disappointments and discoveries.” — Julian Jaynes

Consciousness Began When the Gods Stopped Speaking

Interesting article about consciousness as seen through the 70’s theory of Julian Jaynes…

Posted by: Kate | January 11, 2015

On “Fixing” Things

History is filled with brilliant people who wanted to fix things and just made them worse.”

— Chuck Palahniuk

This statement seems spot on, and I think it’s because naked reality (which we can never perceive) is ordered at a far higher level than our own level of perception where things appear chaotic or broken. Whatever you do to try to control or “fix” chaos, to make things a certain way over the way they already are, you only succeed in adding to the overall chaos. For every wilful action taken, there is a compensatory reaction, nullification, balance of it somewhere, even if that isn’t perceptible from where you’re standing.

Life is the manifestation of a constant flux and balance between myriad on/off polarities all entwined with, and continuously affecting, each other. It would not exist if things were all one or the other, absolute “on” or absolute “off” – both of those scenarios would mean a death of sorts, because experience is the perception of a dynamic contrast, without which everything is indistinguishable. This dynamism is constant – an action or event will swing things one way, affect a myriad of things, then swing back, affecting a myriad other things that have already become something else entirely.

What I’m trying to say is that the universe will work to balance itself out with or without human intervention, so there can be no successful fixing because there is nothing to fix.

Or so it seems to me.

Posted by: Kate | January 7, 2015

Oh, Inverted World

Does nobody else get that adhering strictly to an ideal such as Freedom of Speech no matter how much hurt and chaos it breeds is really just as fundamentalist and intolerant as the actions of those following the Fundamentalist religious ideals that the Freedom-of-speech supporters condemn, or e.g. adhering strictly to the ideal of a Right to Bear Arms no matter how many innocent people are killed because of that right, accidentally or on purpose?

Obviously I do not condone any terrorist action, and never ever will, but look: if you’re going to be insensitive to a person in a way that hurts them physically, mentally or emotionally, and deliberately continue to do so when it is clear that you are causing that person pain or mental anguish – even if you believe you have every moral and constitutional right to do so, even if you believe that you are ultimately doing it for their own good, that you are trying to help them to see that they are misguided in their way of approaching the world, trying to free them from a wrong way of thinking or undo behavioural chains that have been wrongfully applied to them – then human nature usually dictates that there will be reactionary behaviour.

Most of the time either the insulted person – who GENUINELY FEELS THAT THEY ARE A VICTIM OF ABUSE no matter how many people think that they are just being fundamentalist/oversensitive/ignorant and should get their shit together and get with the program and just change their beliefs to something more sensible and historically and culturally appropriate already – hurts themselves or hurts their perceived bully or hurts someone else. They way too rarely turn the other cheek and assume that the person so radically attacking their belief is just doing so because they are a product of a different kind of upbringing and cultural influence, blah, blah, blah, and just leave them to it thinking “Oh, well, whatever, each to their own.” No, what happens is that they feel judged, so they feel justified in judging in return. And if they don’t have recourse to express themselves intellectually/creatively or a big enough audience to do so to, then they are likely going to act out their hurt and aggression physically. And shit – what do you know – they’re going to use whatever means and force available to deliver their retribution.

Power, power, power. Will, will, will. I’m rather sick of it all, aren’t you? Bottom line is that everyone – yes, including me, right now as I’m writing this – does what they do and says what they say thinking that they are in the right, that anyone else who doesn’t think like they do is in the wrong, and should be advised of the error of their ways by whatever means necessary until they change their mind or, much more rarely, agree to disagree.

Oh god, the hypocrisy is insanity-inducing. Meanwhile innocent people get hurt, or worse die all over the place as the result of all these power struggles. But, actually, none of us are innocent. Because we’re all guilty of foisting our beliefs onto others and wishing they would just stop being so much trouble and agree with us so we can play nicely, it’s just that for a lot of us those beliefs aren’t religious, but secular, which is currently more socially acceptable, so we think that we are so much more enlightened.

But that’s not true. None of us is enlightened. There is no truth, no set way of living that needs to be adhered to. No one knows what’s really going on. Everything just is. And whether we let it be, or don’t let it be, we seem to end up in the same mess, only by different roads.

I’m going to put this out here, but I’m not going to engage in any debates. I’m not going to support any one side over another anymore, or condemn one side or another, no matter how much that might be taken as strange or ignorant or…whatever by anyone else. It’s not that I don’t care; quite the contrary: I don’t like to see people killed or get hurt for any reason, full stop, and I don’t like to be the cause of anyone’s pain, and I don’t like the fact that EVERY HUMAN’S negative reaction to an attack on anything that they hold dear results in this cycle of retribution and violence and intolerance continuing.

It’s just that I know I can’t change anything by having any opinion. Diversity is a cherished ideal, but it’s not a functional one, because everybody insists on their right to believe what they want and act in accordance with that which they believe whilst not tolerating other people’s right to the same when it contradicts theirs. A stable society of peacefully co-existing humans can only exist if we all agree to NOT be diverse, and to follow basic rulesets, and to agree that if we don’t like the agreed-upon rules, we should go live somewhere that we do. Then we need a bajillion separate societies living in a bajillion separate world states (with open borders so that people can live where they feel they belong best) that agree to let each other live as they please so long as they don’t involve themselves in any way in any other state’s affairs.

But since that isn’t going to happen, all I can and should do is behave in the way that I believe is the right way for me without trying to enforce it on anyone else, whilst trying to ignore everyone else’s opinion as to how I should behave or react to – or what to believe or think about – anything.

“Oh, Inverted World
If every moment of our lives
Were cradled softly in the hands of some strange and gentle child
I’d not roll my eyes so.” — The Shins

Posted by: Kate | January 3, 2015

Universe As Metaphor

Sometimes I am certain that our universe is a metaphor for reality. That one multi-dimensional being has asked another what its perception of reality is like, and that multi-dimensional being created our known universe in order to try to communicate it.

With our pre-frontal cortex development, we are evolving to become more and more individualised, driven to execute our individual will rather than be part of the undifferentiated mass, but I’m starting to believe that this evolution is not for our own benefit, but rather for the benefit of our creator – essentially the more individualised we become the more highly-defined and detailed the expression of the metaphor, allowing for others to see it in more depth and appreciate the beauty of its intracacies, leading to a greater understanding.

I get the feeling that every thought we have – every attempt we have made to define our inner experience of the world and communicate that to another being through whichever mode of expression we choose – creates its own universe in another dimension. So in effect there are infinite universes, populated by inhabitants creating ever more infinite universes into infinity. There is no purpose to anything within those universes other than to illustrate the original theoretical concept or subjective experience that the creator wanted to express – to be a physical manifestation of the invisible inner reality that it wanted to share with a separate being.

And I don’t think we can transcend the metaphor we were born into. We can only create metaphorical mini-universes of our own. We can “escape” down into those – immerse ourselves in our own creations – but not up beyond our creator’s creation. We have our set place in the hierarchy of nested metaphors, and there we shall stay until we die and are absorbed back into the primordial soup of our creator, who will in turn be absorbed into ITS creator at its own death, and so on.

I guess for this to be true, there had to be an original originator who brought the first universe into being by trying to define itself to itself, via the means of explaining itself to an imaginary other. I suppose we can borrow from various theological traditions and name that the Source or the Absolute or God. But I doubt it has knowledge of most of what has since emanated from that first emanation, let alone the will to guide or control it, let alone the need to judge and to choose what parts of the creation to interfere with and what to leave alone.

Posted by: Kate | January 2, 2015


I get so frustrated with human nature sometimes. The more someone loves us unconditionally, the more we take them for granted and the less attention and gratitude we pay them. We’re a stupid species. Our children do it to us, we do it to our parents, and we all do it to the universe. We ignore what is known and familiar as much as possible in order to reach out to the unknown, to find something that will awe us, and if we can’t find that something awesome out there then we create something new. We evolve but as we do so we get further from the source, further from the Truth.

But if we stop this incessant need to keep growing outwardly, if we just become still and pay proper attention to what already IS as opposed to what could be, then we begin to see the depths, the intricacies of what we had assumed was simple and known. We begin to see just how much we don’t know about the things we think we do know. We begin to stop forming patterns about people and things and holding them to those patterns and instead see them for how they truly manifest in each moment – how different they are from one hour to the next! We begin to find the wonder in the very things right under our noses.

And that, I think, is to be touched by grace. All we really need to do then is align ourselves with that energy and all the anxiety, the analysis paralysis, just drops away. And this experience is available to every single person on this planet, because all we need to do is properly focus on the world as it becomes manifest around us, and allow ourselves to unfold along with it.

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